Lost-Soul
Male
Belgium
"When you live alone in a foreign country, forgetting is easy especially if you know how to live like a zombie. You ignore all thoughts, all feelings, everything that gives you the chance to care about something. You tell yourself that all these things will pass and will not matter in a few years. You stop loving. You stop living..."

"...I'm tired of playing games."

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Sunday, August 02, 2009
One last info...

...you need to know about me is that i find it difficult not to be friends with people i love or used to love. beneath this paranoid's thick wall, is always a yearning to reach out and help friends in need. once a friend, always a friend.

i wish you all the best and enjoy your vacation. (",) 

Posted at 09:08 pm by Lost-Soul
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Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Feeling emo lately

I've been shattered for the longest time now....

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

.....to still be broken.

Posted at 10:27 pm by Lost-Soul
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Thursday, July 02, 2009
Never Say Never

This song played on the radio while I was driving out of our garage (on my way to the office this morning). It threw me immediately into nostalgia for some reason...

 

There's some things we don't talk about
Rather do without
And just hold the smile
Falling in and out of love
Ashamed and proud of
Together all the while

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time and time again
Younger now than we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

Picture you're the queen of everything
As far as the eye can see
Under your command
I will be your guardian
When all is crumbling
Steady your hand

You can never say never
Why we dont know when
Time, time and time again
Younger now then we were before

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x2]

We're pulling apart and coming together again and again
We're growing apart but we pull it together, pull it together, together again

Don't let me go
Don't let me go
Don't let me go
[x4]

- song performed by "The Fray"

Here's the link to the song in youtube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zY5EFOEFOkw

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3m9A5vPV2A

Posted at 09:59 pm by Lost-Soul
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Saturday, May 30, 2009
Nightmare

Just woke up from a bad dream. Supposedly, my phone rang and a very close friend of mine was on the line. He bid me goodbye in a soothing, crying voice. I tried to ask him what happened but he was just fading away. I immediately woke up after that and checked my mobile phone's call register. There was no call registered from his number. My rationale side took over and I tried not to think too much about it.

When I tried sleeping again, I had another dream. This time an aunt from my father's side have died. I did not remember what the cause was, only that it came as a shock since she is the youngest among the siblings. And supposedly, I had this conflict with my older sister somewhere along the way.

I guess my dreams are manifesting the suppressed fears and emotions in me. I probably need to see my psych 101 teacher from college..

Posted at 10:42 am by Lost-Soul
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Saturday, May 23, 2009
Day 12

Funny... how you declare its end without really saying it so. Good thing I asked I guess. But we haven't really talked about the ending yet, right? I guess I'll have to wait for the answer...

It was nice seeing and going out with you again. I hope you enjoyed it as well.

Posted at 10:50 pm by Lost-Soul
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Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Day 9

I had to go to Medical City this morning to get the doctor's feedback on the test results I had last week. A bit of a background first: since I have this healthcard with the company, I decided to settle the question about the blood in my urine tests once and for all. The first doctor said after my second round of tests that there was nothing to worry about since the second results showed there was a decrease in the rbc count and it was more comprehensive. It might just be some anomaly in my system which occurs in others as well. But since this is the 3rd time I received this result in 4 years, I wasn't satisfied with her words of assurance. So she reffered me to a urologist. And that urologist asked me to go through a different set of tests the previous week. Hence the visit to his clinic earlier this morning.

Let's just say that more than relief from the good results, I was stressed to a breaking point because of waiting for more than 2.5 hours before I got my time with the doctor. I only filed for a half-day leave and I already expected his feedback (i.e. results show no problem, we need to go to the next step of the test). Plus their parking fee are the most exorbitant I've experienced so far that every hour/every visit costs you something which should've been free in the first place.

So I was almost late for office today. And I had meetings on top of coaching sessions, emails, feedback, management chores, etc. Not that I'm complaining, but somehow I was thinking this could've not happened IF I didn't waste that much time in the morning (even if I was on a half-day leave).

Later in the evening was a bit of a stop signal for this day. I went to the wake of an officemate's younger sister. She was just a fresh graduate last March and she was 20. And she committed suicide. The details were not clear. And I can see from my friend that it still comes as a shock since they were as close as a family could be.

The irony of it all for me? My father was texting me: I had to go home because my older sister was throwing one of her inane tantrums (yes, not insane). His text message read something like this: if you still want our family to remain together, I hope that you go home now. Your sister is throwing tantrums! And she keeps on banging on things upstairs...

nice life i've got... o, and did I mention that I had a working lunch inside the resto analyzing figures... and I had dinner while driving on the way home?...

and it might sound a bit off, but really... i miss you.

Posted at 11:23 pm by Lost-Soul
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Monday, May 18, 2009
Day 7

I know there's a choice for me to be happy. But somehow I choose not to be. Well, I don't really feel the need to be happy at this point. I might sound ungrateful but I'm not complaining.

Ayoko lang mabalewala ang lahat... oras, kwento, pang-unawa at pakikibag-kaibigan. I know I already told you this but I just can't help but feel that you're subtly pushing me out of your life to ease the hurt. And I don't like it; not even a milli-second of it. I don't remember why I had to say yes. I guess I just couldn't find enough reason to say no when you asked me like that. But I have to respect your wishes.

Does it really have to be this way? The minute I got home that night and everything became clear, I asked myself: what are we trying to accomplish here again?

*sigh*...

Posted at 08:57 pm by Lost-Soul
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Sunday, May 17, 2009
Day 6

An Excerpt from The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery:

"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox. But he came back to his idea. "My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life . I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the colour of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat..." The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time. "Please, tame me!" he said.

"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."

"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me..."

"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.

"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me, like that, in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day..."

The next day the little prince came back.

"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you... One must observe the proper rites..."

"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.

"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."

So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near...

"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."

"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you..."

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.

"Yes, that is so," said the fox.

"Then it has done you no good at all!"

"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added: "Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."

The little prince went away, to look again at the roses. "You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world." And the roses were very much embarrassed. "You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you, the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or even sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.

And he went back to meet the fox. "Goodbye," he said.

"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."

"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."

"It is the time I have wasted for my rose..." said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember...

 

Posted at 07:55 pm by Lost-Soul
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Saturday, May 16, 2009
Day 5

What I always need to remind myself.

1. Who we are is a result of the choices we make

2. The choices we have made in our life do not necessarily define who we are. It is the rationale behind those choices that gives an insight about ourselves.

3. If you have not been given a choice, it only means that you have been given a gift. Everything in life is a choice. That's why we were given freewill.

4. Even love is a choice, it is the ultimate expression of freewill.

5. A person cannot love anyone unconditionally without faith in God and without getting hurt.

6. Happiness is also a choice we can make.

7. Choices are not only meant to be made on your own. Feelings are always meant to be shared, no matter what state it is.

Even if you don't get to read this: I hope you do well on your exam today...

Posted at 09:15 am by Lost-Soul
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Friday, May 15, 2009
Day 4

I love this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5Ds1zndYwk

I'm not moving...

Posted at 08:51 pm by Lost-Soul
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