Eli's Journal

Linger

Sat, 11 Apr 2009 15:33:59 GMT

I just love the chorus of this song...

If you, if you could return
Dont let it burn, dont let it fade
Im sure Im not being rude
But its just your attitude
Its tearing me apart
Its ruining everything
And I swore, I swore I would be true
And honey so did you
So why were you holding her hand
Is that the way we stand
Were you lying all the time
Was it just a game to you

But Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
If you, if you could get by
Trying not to lie
Things wouldnt be so confused
And I wouldnt feel so used
But you always really knew
I just wanna be with you

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to. do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

And Im in so deep
You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

You know Im such a fool for you
You got me wrapped around your finger
Do you have to let it linger
Do you have to, do you have to
Do you have to let it linger

- by the Cranberries

Shai

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 15:48:00 GMT

I know you wouldn't be ready to receive something like this. But I just had to let it out somehow. Anyway, this one's for you or at least what I wanted to tell you right now.

==================================================================

hi. 'musta na? i know it's been quite awhile since i've talked with you. i just thought about giving you some space and time to think about things.

i've known a lot of things about you. and yet i also admit there's still so much for me to know and figure out. things such as why you always seem to avoid me whenever I invite you for anything. and yet you always tell me to get to know you more before jumping into anything. or how your schedule always seem to be full whenever i try to put a date and time for a gimmick which you said we should be doing since it would be fun.

you were right. i'll just get confused (and perhaps frustrated) by trying to be involved with you. but i'd rather be in this situation than anywhere else. i told you before, i've made this choice. and i was aware of everything else that comes with it when I made it. that in spite of all these things, i still love you. i still want to be with you. but somehow, all your signals tell me otherwise. so i decided to give you some space and time to think about things.

you have to know this about me and i think you already know. i'm a very private person. yes, private to a point that people think of it as snobbishness. that's why i couldn't deny it with you. being private for me also means that i don't share a part of myself that easily to just anyone. my friends know that about me and i think you also understand that. having said that, i'm not sure if what actually scares you is not whether i know who i'm choosing to be with but rather that i am serious about you.

i want to be the best friend that you could ever have. i want you to be that person in my life. but i'm never going to force you into being that person. nor will i let anyone force us into being in a relationship.

take your time. i'll wait. but like i said before, i don't know for how long. for now, i've made my choice. and I choose to wait for you.

Half Crazy (in my own words)

Sat, 21 Feb 2009 12:46:36 GMT

i have a gift.

the gift of time -
time to listen when no one is around
time to be there when you're feeling down.

along with it comes another gift.

the gift of understanding and empathy -
being the outside-looking-in observer in your story
the nice guy who's all too willing to absorb all your feelings
the person who would always be ready to be involved.

i also have the gift of words -
the ones that will soothe and give you assurance
the facts about you that he doesn't know or understand
the lessons i've learned and heard from before.

but these gifts are also my weaknesses -
the ones that help me choose to give you time
the ones that compels me to listen and understand
the ones that talk me into making the right choice

of being there for you, for always.

no matter what happened, what's happening or what happens...

Buried Feelings

Sun, 01 Feb 2009 06:06:45 GMT

No one has made an impact in my dreams like you did this morning. Flying has always been easy in my dreams when I willed it. I saw you from the window, amidst all the other people waving at your place. At first I didn't realize who you were but seeing you stirred something from my past. I flew past by your window but a few seconds later, I decided to go back. You weren't there anymore. I had to ask someone to call for you. I asked if you wanted to come and fly with me. You said yes. It was a bit awkward because I haven't lifted anyone with me before while flying in my dreams. But eventually, I got the hang of it although we were flying a bit low than normal. While flying across the countryside and under the bridge, I felt so happy just being with you. It seemed to me we had a past (or perhaps my subconscious wanted us to have a past). And then I remembered who you were. And I guess you realized, that I knew already as well. It was the most romantic point for both of us I guess. I can't forget that kiss. I just can't shake it off right now.

Now if only, I could make it a reality. I guess, even in my dreams, a part of me believes that I'd have to be spectacular for you to notice and admire. I've always said that pursuing you would be like shooting for the moon. Funny how in my dreams, I had to be able to fly, before I could be with you. If you think about it, literally and figuratively, in the real world, I have to "fly" just to be with you. I guess you're "the one" person I just can't easily forget.

What if I hadn't made that choice back then...

I guess a part of me will always be thinking about you. But for now, I have to live in the present. And continue on my current pursuit...

The Man Who Can't Be Moved

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 02:46:30 GMT

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move,
Got some words on cardboard got your picture in my hand,
Saying if you see this girl can you tell her where I am,
Some try to hand me money they don't understand,
I'm not...broke I'm just a broken hearted man,
I know it makes no sense, but what else can I do,
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you...

Cos if one day you wake up and find that you're missing me,
And your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I can be,
Thinking maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet,
And you'd see me waiting for you on the corner of the street.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Policeman says son you can't stay here,
I said there's someone I'm waiting for if it's a day, a month, a year,
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows,
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go.

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

People talk about the guy
Who's waiting on a girl...
Oohoohwoo
There are no holes in his shoes
But a big hole in his world...
Hmmmm

and maybe I'll get famous as man who can't be moved,
And maybe you won't mean to but you'll see me on the news,
And you'll come running to the corner...
Cos you'll know it's just for you

I'm the man who can't be moved
I'm the man who can't be moved...

So I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

I'm not moving...
I'm not moving.

Going back to the corner where I first saw you,
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag not I'm not gonna move.

- song by "The Script"

nothing special... I just like the song for what it is: the rhtythm, the melody, the lyrics. btw, i might be making the "move" sooner. i hope i can sustain and realize this desire to "move".

Out of My League

Wed, 17 Dec 2008 15:54:40 GMT

"Out Of My League"

it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
coz she's all that I see and she's all that I need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's a masterful melody when she calls out my name to me
as the world spins around her she laughs, rolls her eyes
and i feel like i'm falling but it's no surprise
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

it's her hair and her eyes today
that just simply take me away
and the feeling that i'm falling further in love
makes me shiver but in a good way
all the times i have sat and stared
as she thoughtfully thumbs through her hair
and she purses her lips, bats her eyes as she plays,
with me sitting there slack-jawed and nothing to say
coz i love her with all that i am
and my voice shakes along with my hands
cause it's frightening to be swimming in this strange sea
but i'd rather be here than on land
yes she's all that i see and she's all that i need
and i'm out of my league once again

...I'm not really sure whether I like swimming in this strange sea or I'd rather stay on land...

Feedback

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 04:27:20 GMT

Last Thursday, our mini-MBA class had a feedback practice session. I have participated in this kind of exercise a number of times already in other workshops that I have attended. It still surprises me how I come across to new acquaintances:

- intimidating
- confident (i.e. "We can see it in the way you carry yourself...")
- intelligent and experienced (i.e. "You enrich us in your sharing of your thoughts and experiences")
- respected (i.e. "When you speak it's like everyone stops and listens.")
- role-model (i.e. someone who they want to be in their career)
- hardworker (i.e. someone who gets the job done)
- strong
- focused
- direct
- assertive
- serious
- formal

Same adjectives. Even if I have received the same feedbacks in different workshops, it still surprises me when I hear them say it to me. I tell them I'm flattered with what they say. I don't know whether I should thank them but I say thanks anyway.

And yet they always end up saying also that when they get to know me, I'm not really as intimidating as they thought I was; that I'm also approachable, down-to-earth, one-of-them, etc. Nonetheless, they still affirm most of their impressions on me. At the back of my mind, I still think that those are all just mythical imagery. I explained it's a like making a mountain out of a molehill.

If only they knew the real me...

Commitment

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 10:45:14 GMT

i just signed a contract with the company today. one that says (in more ways than one): they will pay for my mini-mba but it comes with a bond. i can't be absent for 80% of the courses and i can't leave the company 1 year after finishing my mba... which means, i have to be here until june 2010. at the back of my head, i was unconciously looking for something to keep me "tied" with the company but when i realized i was tying myself to my current location, i panicked a bit... sigh. hope it's worth it. the mini-mba would be finished by december anyway...

Inner Being

Mon, 09 Jun 2008 03:23:04 GMT

As I've been expecting the past few days, we just had a "family conference" (parents, younger sister and me). And as expected the incident with the car was discussed. I don't want to recall the stories which I heard again for the nth time. I just want to share that at least I was able to let them know what I was thinking a few weeks back. I finally posed it to them: She has to find a job in one year or I leave our place and cut my contribution to the family expenses. It wasn't the easiest thing to say and I was barely able to manage my intense emotions when I said that. I had to bear the near-crying look on my mother's face as I was expressing my exasperation over the whole thing... sigh... It might seem the easier way out for me, but it's not that easy personally. I feel like I'm being the ungrateful, selfish son. I feel like I'm a heartless person. I'm disassociating myself with my family over the situation... sigh... I'm not worthy of anything.

Motivation

Wed, 21 May 2008 01:08:09 GMT

I had a chat in the office with a friend of mine over the office messenger this morning:

me: "i need to prepare and psych up for the presentation"

me: "i was thinking of buying red bull... even if i don't really like drinking it"

friend: "drink it later... near your presentation time"

friend: "i'm just wondering though if it's enough..to get that vacant look off your eyes"

Yesterday evening, while brushing my teeth, I came up with an idea on how to finally get my sister to work. I was thinking of talking to my parents and giving them an ultimatum in really pushing her to find a job: she has to get a job in six months or I'll start deducting her expenses from the support money that I give to them every week. Sounds harsh? Well, I was thinking of taking it to the next level: after another six months and she still does not have a job, I will have to move out and again further reduce the support money since I have to pay for my own expenses. Thinking about it made me realise that I don't want to drag her along my entire life. It's not a financial matter, it's a psychological burden that I want to get rid of. "To whom much is given, much is expected". How many times have I heard about this my entire life? And it's the same mantra that has brought me to where I am today. However, I feel like I've reached a point where I've acknowledged that I can't move on without taking care of this family "business". Living for my family's financial security is starting to feel like being chained to a lifetime of servitude. It shouldn't feel that way, but somehow it does. I'd like to break free now, before I feel powerless in doing so. My soul is starting to get numb.